Finding My Voice (by sarah)

Via Centre Arts I met a lovely lady called Jenna Monroe who is a fantastic singer. I had wanted to do a workshop she was running but it was canceled so I have been on the look out for anything else she does. I can't afford singing lessons at the moment but one off workshops are just about doable especially as I still had the money left from the first attempt.

The actual workshop was Vocal and Physical Improvisation with Jenna doing the vocal part and a man called Adam Fotheringham doing the physical part. I found the physical bit a tad taxing and had to sit out for large chunks which was a shame as I didn't get to 'let go' of inhibitions and things in the same way as alot of the others could. I dare not jump with my pelvis still though I managed a lot and took part in all the 'acting' type exercises.

It was a lot more New Agey than I was expecting but that was good in some ways as it helped relax me into stuff which of course is the point of it. I have come away with some wonderful ideas for poems and stories and pictures to render. For me the best bit was an exercise were we all started off singing one thing and then other bits were added and we just sort of had to decide what we wanted to sing. I struggled with this right up until she told us to close our eyes, suddenly singing was easy, suddenly the sounds were there as ribbons around me and I could see where my ribbon, my voice needed to be woven into the pattern (metaphor obviously). It was the same a singing to the girls, there was nothing other than the sound and the hum and the harmonics of the voices mingling and mixing.

When we had finished this exercise I felt really serene and happy to take part in the rest of the activities. I had been very nervous about going to it to be honest. Later on there was another vocal exercise where we lay on the floor and then took it in turns to wander around the room singing. There was some real tribal, old, folky stuff coming out and then I got up and sang the first thing that came into my head and as I was confronted by a dark room with people laying down I just automatically started singing the Lullaby I made up for Jeany and that me and Al sing to the girls still.

I felt I learnt a lot and it was a fun afternoon, the activities when on a bit too long for my staying in one postition pain threshold but it was worth it 🙂

As I was singing the sun was setting and the sky was lavender and pink tinged, the light coming into the room had been amazing all day with trees autumn leaves fluttering down, first in sunlight, then in winter cloud glow and then through a condensation haze that settled on the windows like snow flurries. I eat cake and drank tea and at the end before the lights were switched on I took a photo of the candle that had been the only light as the sun set - I just thought it looked excellent and yes my head was very Bill and Ted when I emerged.

Being nervous and sky these sorts of workshops are invaluable to me. I am finding myself increasingly on stage and though two years ago if I went to read I was the best stage presence (not the same as the best poet!). I am now going to event where I am the worst performer (not the same as worst poet! Not that I really feel poetry can be gaged like that) and I have always wanted to sing on stage. I miss singing in Choirs and Musical Theatre Society etc...

I really enjoyed it plus I discovered there is a cute dinky little hall hidden away in Painswick.

10 Halloweens! (by sarah)

Today is the tenth Halloween for me and Al 🙂 We started going out actually on Halloween - I skipped several parties and a workshift to do so and I wasn't even sure if it was supposed to be a date or not!

I remember faffing over which cloths to wear and went with the new things I'd bought with my first wage check of the new academic year - I'd been shopping with Becca 🙂 Lavander tie dye boot cut fitted trousers with a black lacy top with a plunging neck line and erm... trainers.

I'd printed out his email stating the time and space coordinants and the invite for dinner and then showed it to my friends for advice on weather it was a date or not Jihane said it was whilst Greg said it wasn't! And both panicked as they thought Al was a random from the internet as I mentioned the facted we'd been emailing each other. We had infact met the previous spring when Tanya had tried to set Aoife up with him - we had been emailing each other ever since reguardless of an embarrassing attempt of friends to force us together when he had started going out with another girl shortly after the Aoife set up. They were only going out for two weeks but I didn't realise that so we tiptoed around each other electronically for the whole summer!

I got to South Ken Station early and hung around - he didn't show so I walked up the steps to check up by the shops and then headed back down them and through the tunnel. No Al but he was there when I got back to the station. He was relieved that I was late as in his excitement he'd gotten on the circle line and gone the wrong way! We were married several years before we found out each others version - neither of us wanting to seem too keen incase it scared the other off!

We walked aimlessly talking of everything from scifi to social issues and my course work which I had been showing him for the last few weeks at the Union after an incident were I had fainted at Musical Theatre and ended up being brought down to the union and placed with Andy D and his friends to recover a few weeks previously. Somehow I'd ended up chatting to Al.

We ended up in Pizza Express which became like our place. We had dough balls which we shared.

We then walked some more - down to the river but my back was starting to really hurt - I had on my college rucksack and I was cold - I was already having intensive physio at the time and had also been told I had a life expectancy of 30 so I was not even sure I should be trying for a relationship. But again my health actually helped me - I had to sit down. We sat on the river bank. And I was cold and fed up of waiting to see if he would make a move so I flopped against him and snuggled up for warmth. He took this as a sign that he was allowed to make a move FINALLY and so he went to kiss me and I got the giggles. But we did kiss and it was a cheesy forever moment only shattered by the lights on the buildings all winking out as it was 11 o'clock!

Shocked at the time I waited with him on the Kings Road opposite the Blue Bird restaurant until he got on his bus - he wanted to walk me home but I felt this was stupid as he would have to walk away from his bus stop! I had also insisted on paying half the bill.

From that unsureness of each other we became inseperable and much to everyones horror we moved 'too fast' moving in with each other after only a few months - and then engaged after 10 months and married the following summer. With a baby due just after our first year wedding anniversary. But we are happy with each other and the kids - other things have been hard but they have been external to us and the thought of facing the stresses alone is an intollerable one. Now that things are improving we are being careful not to emulate alot of couples mistakes - sometimes it is the stress that binds you together and you grow apart as your both dealing with life.

We have lots of plans for our lives still and he is joining me in NaNoWriMo this year as he confessed to missing his writing time and he is a fair way into the novel/story arch that we made up together starting on that first night - it is a joint effort but I can't do my bit until he has finished his.

To celebrate this moment that has lasted a decade we are coming to London for a long weekend in November. We will visiting what is left of our old haunts (The Black Widow is gone but I'm hoping we can visit another Erri Pub, The Foundary too is gone, we may go and look at The Union but I don't think we will go in or if we do it will just be for a drink). We want to visit a Paul A Young Chocolate Shop as they have become an our place as well even though we've never managed to be in one at the same time yet!

The Natural History Museum is a must though I will probably mope outside doors I'm no longer allowed through. Pizza Express, the places in Ealing and maybe a meet up with friends.

We are mainly coming down to London to London to see Gotye 🙂

We found this artist as our friend Ulrike sent us the youtube video on Facebook - she was the first of a wave - 'Doesn't he look like Alaric?' and yes he does though Al himself says he can only see a vague similarity 🙂

We even made a spoof video - which we now actually have permission from Gotye Head Quarters to have made.

I organised the gig, Al the hotel - we still have no hotel books 🙂

Our lives are not exactly were we envisioned them but on the other hand we are all together in an amazing house that is not rented. Al is loving his job and I appear to have ended up with the career I thought I would have once I retired. And for that I owe a hug debt to Alaric - he helps me with the writing and art, doesn't get annoyed when I forget to cook dinner when I've said I would because I've got distracted by drawing or papier mache or writing. But more than that - he has given me the self confidence to get out there and do the things. this year has seen me win medals and get through to the final stages for poet laureate of Gloucestershire and so much more I can't even begin to list.

He took pity on me and sorted out the tech issues I was having with The Little Book of Spoogy Poetry 🙂 Talking of which today is your last chance to download it free 🙂 You have until midnight just click on the image below.

Of Biopsies and Dreams and 5 Dimensional Poetry (by sarah)

Today I went to the Drs for my biopsies and de/re-coiling and a chat but unfortunatly the chat took up too much of the time - what with the fact I've had a biopsy that showed polyps not being in their records for me etc... But I am actually feeling alot happier about the whole thing after the chat - I've signed the consent forms and have another appointment when it will all happen and have the good news that the swabs were all negative drastically reducing the chances of nasty things like pelvic infections.

I had to go in with out Alaric as the baby was being full of beans and as always I found it difficult to get the words out to the Dr. It's like my brain goes - ARG! A doctor!

I'm going to have another coil put back in as it is pretty much the only option open to me to thin the womb lining down and having looked at family history it seems the best course of action. Unless something happens like perforiation or the biopsies show something nasty up all this should not have an impact on my fertility. But due to the thickness I am looking at a good long stint of bleeding once the coil is put in (hopefully in the right place this time). So I maybe going onto the pill aswell initially to reduce just how much it will bleed.

The coil is going in specifically to thin the womb lining - I hope it works but I have to wait a month for this next bit due to the over capacity nature of the Drs Surgery.

So that is that and then there is my dream!

Last night I had a dream in which I had made this poetry book out of fabric and lace and different textures. It was a textiles visual poem but more than that - it had my written poetry in and the words actually spoke, the words were woven in and around the substance of the book and the substance of the book told it's own story as did the type and placement of the letters - it was a bueatiful thing.

And then David Tennant (spiky haired Dr Who) appeared and he looked at this textile book and was in love with it and the power of my words and he wanted me to write Dr Who episodes with Neil Giamon. He was convinced that anyone who could produce such a book as that would write amazing Dr Who episodes. In my dream I was embarrased and was trying to explain that I had once been asked to try and write an episode before the new lot started but that I didn't as I thought I had to take into account the film that shall not be named! (This bit actually happened to me whilst I was at Uni but mainly as I was on the right mailing list at the right time).

As I was trying to explain assasins from the future appeared to destroy the book and maybe kill me - I had been encoding the concousness of the universe in the patterns within the book and other pieces of my work - that is why they had such awe and power.

Just as it looked like it was curtains for me Alaric (hubby) appeared and turned out to be an actual Dr Who and defeated the assassins with the gadgets within his coat of many pockets (those of you who know us will be laughing at this bit!).

This was a great dream and I was sad to be rudely awoken from it by Alaric asking where the school uniform for Jeany was this morning.

Now last night I went to sleep mulling over the story line/arch for the series I am currently working on - I plan to write the middle book for NaNoWriMo and I have gotten a long way into the first book of this trilogy. This would sort of explain the book being a code but more than that - I have actually been trying to work out how to make a piece of textile visual poetry since seeing the little knitted bits at the Cheltenham Lit Fest. Also last night just before I went to bed I was noodling around on this blog. Add in the Placebo music and the dream makes a bit more sense.

From this dream I now have a much better idea of what I want to make with regards to my poetry and textiles. And that is 5D textile and wearable electronics highbred of visual, audio and the written word. It is not 4D as though there is a sense of narrative there is no one correct direction of flow. The whole thing can fed back into itself and go round in loops, jump over several pages and so forth. I may have it as a ball book rather than a standard bound tome. It is forming in my mind and it is beuatiful and complex.

The Monday To Moan (by sarah)

Monday is my day to get things done - Mary is at nursery and Jean at school until 4!

But this Monday I was awaiting a phone call from the Dr to discuess what was going to happen about the bleeding and coil and things so I made sure my phone was there next to me. However it had broken and switched itself to silent so I missed the phone call, I then could not get it off of silent no matter what I tried and even with people trying to help me via facebook and twitter. It was the Drs line so I had to await the next phone call.

I wasn't feeling to good anyway as I've been suffering with muscle spasms again and the whole of my left hand side was in pain or writhing benieth my skin unpleasently - I just wanted to go back to bed. But I took my pain killers and attempted to get on with things. It then occured to me that I was still attempting to use Alaric's old beaten up laptop. This became apparent as another 'deathline' appeared on the screen. It now has eight perminent lines going from the top from the bottom. So I prodded about my laptop and it turns out Apple still have not sent the replacement part so it could be another five days! I have now been without it since the end of August :/ For something that should have taken five days max to fix.

I got the phone call just as Jean turned up home from school an hour early - I'd forgotten that they cancel the clubs on parents evening week. The Dr said they were basically going to send me for swabs to check for infection before they do anything - they'd booked me in an avalible space on Wednesday morning as the surgery is so over subscribed they had to pounce on the appointment slot when they saw it. Then on the 30th if I am infection free they are going to remove the coil and take biopsies to check exactly what the thickening is. Then they want to replace the coil in the hope that it's edometreoscies and that it will help it. They will chat to me about all the options when I get there. The fact the coils not been in the right place might mean we can still treat things with hormones - lets hope. But I am still wigged out by the fact that I could have ended up pregnant and still have the coil inplace.

So anyway I then had Jean home early and the TV set is so broken that I declared we could not watch anything on it as it is probably a fire hazard! So we went up to the attic and she helped me with one of my art projects which was really nice but not novel writing :/ A cat threw up in the kitchen - this never used to be a problem but I am increasingly finding I am over sensitive to smell and like morning sickness - I get very nueause.

Alaric then arrived home to inform me that the nursery had been trying to phone me as Mary was sick - I'd stopped phone watching once I'd had the Drs call :/ Mary has Chicken Pox and is miserable and there is nothing to watch DVD's on whilst I snuggle her plus the snuggling is going to cause the flare up to get worse. Poor Alaric has also pulled a muscle in his back again and so can hardly walk.

SO I thought I would just get it all off my chest in a little moan - not a good start to the week in my opinion.

Womb Gloom (by sarah)

Wednesday I went to the hospital for the much awaited scan and though it was only an ultra sound it hurt more than any I've had whilst pregnant :/ Just everything round there is really sensitive at the moment. I was cross about the scan - I had been waiting for it for weeks this time and I had recieved a letter informing me I had missed it so I'd had to phone up to book and be told off for something that was not my fault and made to feel small due to the Royal Mail being crap. And to make it worse the health visitor didn't turn up when she was supposed to be visiting me - this annoyed me no end.

Anyway the lady doing the scan was lovely and had a conversation with Al about the machine. The initial thing was it was weird there being not baby in there but we could see a line which was the coil and the coil is in the wrong place. So in the wrong place it is going to have been doing nothing >:( but worse than that I could have gotten pregnant and had the baby and the coil in there at the same time.

I am I admit it paranoid about things going wrong and I had felt that I had regected the coil just before the bleeding came back (it stopped for about 6 weeks after an initial large increase in the bleeding after the coil had been put in but then I felt like I had a series od contraction type things and the bleeding started again.) but the coil was still their when they looked so I had to go away and come back after it had been in a year. And though I thought I was over reacting about it I didn't trust it and so have been shall we say double careful which I am now so so gratefull for it is untrue.

Anyway I was told to phone the Drs and sort an appointment for a weeks time but had struggled to get through to them. Finially I got through today and I couldn't make an appointment like that - the earliest was the second week of Novemeber which the receptionist and me agreed was no good, So I had to wait for a Dr to phone so that they could book me in one of the ermergancy slots.

They were supposed to phone before one but the specialist that they want to deal with me couldn't be tracked down so I got the phone call as Jeany was coming in from school. The issue is that it is not just the coil in the wrong place but that their is inflamation and the womb linning is too thick. So they want to have a meeting to discuess my best options and then I can come in and see them. The Dr is going to phone me back again on Monday.

The thing is that the more I've thought about it the more I really want that other baby - I suppose that will always be the case with me and Al though when ever menopause or womb stuff happened. We had wanted to finish having babies in our 30's but did sort of think we would have the whole of our 30's. But I've found out that menopause has a tendency to hit women in my family in their 30's or endometreosis occurs again in the 30's so I'm feeling as hopeful as I had been.

And yes I realise that I am lucky I have my two lovely girls and a hubby who has not gotten fed up with me even though I have been basically pre-menstral for 19 months! But I am feeling hacked off. Many of my friends haven't even started their families yet and if I'd followed my 'career' path I probably would have only just started thinking about kids now.