Autumn Poem (by sarah)

I like Autumn best of all,
even if the Americans insist on calling it fall,
I grant you that is what the leaves tend to do,
it is true,
but it is a discription
And not the name of a season
lacking the proper diction.

I like Autumn,
an autumnal fall of leaves
if you please,
a cascade of warmth upon the ground,
colours of fire in leaf litter found,
the hedgehog snuffling,
fattening on worms
as he is hibernation bound.

Kite flying and fire lighting,
toating of marshmellows and golden tinged skies,
not too mention too many apple and blackberry pies.
Pumkins carved into silly faces
Fire works and three legged races
All the fruit gathered in
The christmas cake already baking in a tin
Frost delicate slivers upon the leaves
Gloves clumsy with keys
But in the house we go
For hot chocolate and spiced coco

I like autumn best of all
though the Americans call it fall.

Bath Time (by sarah)

The fun of bath time:

squeel, giggle, splash, splash, giggle, giggle, ouch Mary don't bite, giggle splash, splash, 'Mummy? Daddy? Will I be in trouble if there is water on the bathroom floor?'

'yes'

long drawn out moan of dispair....

A moment of relative silence then -

'Mary's been very naughty and gotten water on the bathroom floor'

How fast they learn.

The grey slime I had to scrape out of the bath after they had finished shows me that they've both had adventures today - Mary still screams the house down when she is initially put in the bath and yet will instantly step into any paddling pool or puddle she sees :/

Harvest Festival Food Bank Grumps (by sarah)

Ok so there have been times in the past few years especially after the flooding in 2007 when we have not had enough money for food - this thankfully is not the case at the moment and we hope it never will be again but you never can tell unfortuantly. During those times we were lucky and friends and family provided or lent us stuff and I have managed most years to produce quiet alot from fishing in hedgerows and growing things in buckets or on veggi plots. So I like the fact the school have teamed up with the Food Bank who provide food for poorer families but Jean came home with even more restrictions from them than before.

This time it is no baked beans and no plain pasta.

I am furious - seriously. There have been harvests when this is all I have had in the cupboard to give becuase it is the only things we as a family had ourselves and now I am being told that is not good enough. This to me is humiliting, degrading and a slap in the face.

Now I understand that they are trying to get a balance of food to give away but this is one of the issues I find with charities alot - how ever much you do for them it is not enough and rarely appreciated and probably due to the demographic incharge/mostly volunteering (not forced to volunteer but actual volunteers) they seem to think that everyone just have money to give away. I have observed people with little money emptying their wallets for charity - causing themselves hardship and yet it is not appreciated in the same way as the tenner given by big earners who really will not miss it. It's like the time the Shelter Chugger guy was really laying it on think to get me to sigh up - I explained I couldn't as we had nothing at that point - he then explained what it means to be homeless - the definition and you know what? At the time we counted as homeless due to the floods - we had just spent the summer sleeping on friends couches and office floors, startled I pointed this out to him and his response was... 'that maybe so..' and then just continued with his sales pitch and that is what is getting to me - charities run as businesses rather than businesses run as social enterprise.

Of course I'm still going to provide food for The Food Bank but I am really insulted by this. When I was younger (yes I realise that makes me sound grumpy old!) we had Harvest Festival at school, Brownies and Church and the tinned food and flowers went off to old peoples homes, hospices, hostels and childrens homes, the fresh produced was either auctioned off or made into a communial dinner everyone shared or in one case turned into a soup kitchen. There was a nicer feeling and no obligation - if all had was blackberries from the bushes along the fence of the school that was fine - of course I was young so I may have missed stuff and be looking at it through rose tinted lenses. But now there is this feeling that you have to give food and that it has to be well POSH food etc...

I just feel disillusioned with it and Harvest, is part of what I love about Autumn - it is my faviourite time of year. I think I might have to do my own little autumnal thing to set my mood back in place and I realise it is probably petty and childish to feel this way but I am just hacked of with charities in general at the moment, they just seem to be so money grabbing and that puts my back up.

Banks! (by sarah)

Bank 'we urently need to talk to you about your account' I agree to go in get there and 'so what did you want to talk to us about?' Urg! I repeat what they told me - we go through the accounts and transactions and they say 'oh your credit rating is good do you want a loan - you could put your credit cards on there.' me 'erm no I have paid two off already I am out of my over draft and have a payment plan in place to deal with the other.' bank 'are you sure it's so fiddly having all these different payments you could put your husbands on the same account.' me 'erm no I didn't like having loans to pay off before.' bank 'but you did so well with paying them off you sure you don't want another?' me 'no thankyou.' Bank 'well if you change your mind or it gets to the point where you can change your mortgage over to us do come back and talk to us ok?' me 'ok thankyou bye.' bank 'buy'

Goals and Plans and Contingencies (by sarah)

I've been thinking about where I am going as a person again. The career that I have built for myself is bitty and unreliable but is becominig more structured. I have discovered that trying to do any of it for money soley is a no go. Trying to do stuff for other people doesn't tend to work that well either. What does work is just having skill and abilities that people can call on and a body of pre made work that people can consume or choose from.

Having said that I do want to take more commissions for the science-art side of things.

However that isn't really what I want to write about - what I want to talk about is the physical and mental side of me. I have just finished a shopping trip. The first one without a walking stick or trolly to lean on and yes I was in pain at the end but not much! This is a great goal for me - achieved. But I have others.

I have started belly dancing classes and quiet frankly I suck at it but it has only been two weeks and it is mainly for my mobility and core muscle strength that I am doing it. I am also going for a walk daily with the baby. My aim is to be able to go out cheesy clubbing with my friends just before Christmas.

My second aim is to be able to wear a pair of high heels on Christmas Day even if it is just for half an hour - Jean has been helping me with this one - ie she picks a pair of shoes I put them on and stand up in them - I even managed to take some steps yesterday. However I will not be going clubbing in heels - oh no!

So that is the aim - both physical and mental but there is more to the mental side. I shall be taking part in NaNo again as it gives me goals and a right to set large chunks of time aside to do well me stuff - writing, drawing and drinking coffee.

And then we are back to the issue that is plagueing me at the moment - the thought that I may have to have a hysterectomy. We have decided that we will try and avoid that - the bleeding is not life threatening and if the aneamia is bad again then they can give me stuff to tackle it, also I can still try the minni pill aswell and just hope it doesn't increase the headaches or the temper. One option if the scan is fine is having another baby but there is no way I can do that yet. So if scan is fine I will be aiming to get fit and as strong as I can and then to try for another baby in one or two years and just hope the bleeding remains at a low level.

If the bleeding increases or the scan is bad and I have to have my womb removed I shall continue my excersise stuff - needed even more as there will be core muscle issues and hormone thearapy involved. The hormone thearapy is a bit of an issue due to the breast cancer risks and mum having a) had HRT and b) having had breast cancer twice. But that verses premature old age and osteoperosis which is not pleasent either (watched my nan suffer with that one). Basically if this happens then I will do all the medical stuff that is recommended.

Mentally this would be a huge blow to me but not as huge as it could be - I have my lovely girls and a supportive husband. What I have decided to do is if this happens is as follows - I will hopefully slim down again and with out the issue of more pregnancies I could have my pelvis wired and stop alot of the pain and also if I could reduce the scaring on my belly enough I would get that naval piercing I've always wanted - that will be my treat - my this is me and the shit has hit the fan but I showered it off and am still going dancing.

I may even get a butterfly tattoo if I get brave enough.

I have really appreciated all the help and support I have had from friends and family, you have all been amazing and put up with me too!