Worrying about Money the Future and Everything (by sarah)

Having been given the all clear from the Dr about six months ago I informed the college of this and wondered if three years was a bit too long a time to just go back. I didn't hear anything and I sent a few more emials then I get an email saying there should be no problem with me going back but I still don't have a start date and it is the middle of September and I know the course begins in September.

Also in order to be ready for this we have put Jean in nursery for two extra days aweek. We had been told that the government pay for nursery stuff once your child is three. However, the way the system works is almost as if it is designed to unhelpful in the extreme. It turned out they only pay a set quoter of hours which would be equivolent to three sessions - so say three mornings or a day and a half for us. They also will not give that too you in a chunk - oh no so if your child only goes in for say two days they slash the number of hours they will pay for - this renders the whole thing useless for mothers trying to say get a part time job and leaves us with a slight problem - ie half a days fees to find.

We are still paying off the debts that accumulated from me being sick, the move and now the flood. We are also now paying a second gardener for Barbara as Al has to spend so much time in London. I have grown most of our veg this year which has slashed the food bill but that isn't really our main out going.

I have had a huge dilemer to face - I've been making websites and working for a small publisher but these contracts are about to end and I need more money but am going to (hopefully) be doing an MRes two days a week. I've been trying to find a job I can do (medical restraints) on say Mondays and Fridays and possibly Wednesdays but am failing. I think I might have found another web contract but its being slow. This is pretty much my last chance to go back to Geology and I worked so hard for it in the first place I just cant face losing it.

I'm not sure what on earth I'm going to do and haven't really got time or energy to worry about it all. At the moment I am going with the flow knowing that I may have a mother about to go through more radiotherapy and other older people relying on us due to medical issues.

Al is feeling the strain aswell, I am probably doing the wornge thing but if I don't at least try to do my course again I feel that I shall be a non-person. Oh ok I'm being selfish and horrible and stuff and over all I'm scared I'm taking gambles here but I can't see anything else to do where I wont go insane.

A Day with Out Alaric Again (by sarah)

Monday and Tuesday I didn't have Alaric or Dad here nor was there Barbara for most of it and I just cried alot and pretty much did nothing other than trying not to cry infront of Jean who has decided mummy is sad and keeps stroking me.

Wednesday Al went off and did his Cub stuff anyway and I found myself on my own in the evening. Thursday I walked around Cheltenham in a daze waiting for my poetry reading. mysteriously I came home with two pairs of very lovely boots - these cost me under ten pounds for both - not entirely sure how I managed that. Friday just curlled away from me and I spent the day chasing things I'd neglected and typing up a children's story I've written.

Now its Saturday and Alaric is off chasing work and then has the Farrier Stomp with Scouts which is an annual night hike thing and will absorb him for the whole evening. I need him at the moment but unfortunatly we also need him to work. Alex's death has left a whole becuase though generally I didn't, I had the option of asking him round when it was a week like this or I could at least txt him and know that I had a friend who could come and see me. Thats gone now and I have almost texted him several times now.

Dedicated (by sarah)

They let me open the night instead of the guest speaker and so the whole night was dedicated to Alex's memory. But there is no funeral yet as it has gone to corporate manslaughter 🙁

Poetry For Alex (by sarah)

Tonight I am going to be doing my fourth Earshot at Slak Comedy Club in Cheltenham, I am going to read out a geology poem called Rivers it isn't a very good poem but its the only one I had got round to showing him. Then I am going to read one about feelings in the abstract that I condensed out of dream. It is about a butterfly called chaos and probably makes no scense to anyone but me.

I have been writing lots of stuff about Alex and finding old poems about the caving and stuff we did. Poetry wasn't his thing but he would meet up with me before the events somewhere in Cheltenham.

I'm strangly not nervous when normally I'm petrified of readings - I find I just dont care and its like functioning outside of me. I am an automaton.

Bottled out (by sarah)

I didn't do my Scouts tonight as I just couldn't face it. Scouts was one of the things that me and Alex always talk about and he was helping with my programme of event so I dont know what to do. I feel like I've been letting people down but I know I'd just dissolve into tears and that wouldnt be good for the kids.