Confessions and Sadness (by sarah)

I have a confession, last year was mainly spent pretending that I was ok and everything was fine. But they weren't.

In the summer of 2015 I hit my head, it was a daft stupid accident that was very me, I was dancing and having a good time with Jean as we awaited a band I had stayed late at a festival to see. I work at festivals but due to the physical illnesses I've had I have rarely stayed at them late we have either gone home or slunk back to our camping.

Something happened, not sure what, weather I went dizzy or slipped or passed out etc... but I remember feeling weird and falling. I feel off of the grass and hit the back of my head on the concrete path. My head rang and I thought my eyes where closed.

Jean says they were open, she thought I was dead. I was a pool of pain but remember thinking a) I'd killed myself and thinking "oh know" and b) when I started seeing people standing around me that I needed to get up other wise there was going to be a palava. I then discovered I could not get up...

Several hours later after x-rays and what not I could move again and due to scary people in A&E threatening to kill us all, and police and nurses having to reassure us it was all fine, we just wanted to go home. I could move again by this point so they let us go.

They gave us a leaflet on concussion saying it would last a couple of days and what to do if various things happened. Now my memory is that we met up with Al's parents the next day but apparently it wasn't and I'd just slept for a day which for me doesn't exist.

We went for a meal with Al's parents, I was glazed but coherant, like I was when they were questioning me, I knew who Jean and Al where I just couldn't recall their names, and struggled with my own initially, but I knew why I'd been at the festival. It of corse did not help that medical personal did not believe I wasn't drunk, this has actually left me with a resentment though the medical treatment was great there was definately dismissiveness due to the assumption that you can't be having a good time without intoxication.

So the few days passed and I woke up and things suddenly got worse my speech slurred and I got slow. I posted on FB in dispair about how long was concussion supposed to last, and got a phone call from a friend who heard my speech and spoke to Alaric. The up shot being we called on the medical insurance he had and they were horrified I'd just been left and sent me to A&E with a list of scans and things I needed.

Interestingly going to A&E on a weekday morning meant no one thought I was drunk, I got the scan and there were no major bleeds but I had bruised my brain and it had taken a couple of days for the swelling to act up. It was not bad though and there is basically nothing they could do.

They also found I had growths in my sinuses, they are none cancerous polyps and would be expected in people with food allergies etc... as the allergies being acted up makes them grown (or this is what I've understood).

So basically it was a waiting game, the polyps/sinuses could have made me dizzy, my migraine medication could have lowered my blood pressure, I could have slipped... the festival was fantastic at looking after me when it happened as where Churros Bros.

There were oppointments and things, I don't really remember about 3 months, I know I did stuff, I know I posted to FB and twitter etc... I know I was mainly using speech to txt to do so. I thought I suddenly got brilliant at sudoku but I hadn't I was just filling the grids in randomly and my writing was garbled.

Al says unless we were out I slept, I had lucid realistic dreams that seemed like reality. I was stuck in a mash up of Mad Max films and Water World when I was lucky, at other times it was old sitcoms like Friends and soaps such as Eastenders, Neighbours etc... Alaric run my workshops for me whilst I mainly sat and coloured in but by September I was drastically improving, my speech was mainly normal though I still kept just nodding off and having periods of slurred speech.

I started doing stuff again, I think there was a Science Show Off, a few poetry events and my first acting job which Al was very nervous about and used his lunch break to check I was where I should be etc...

Then Christmas hit - from about mid november I started struggling again. Slurred speech, random times in Bristol where I was taking part in an art initative pop up shop and exhibition, my parents had taken me in for the set up and day shifts and that was fine but I thought I was well enough so I went in by myself on the train, it got dark whilst I was traveling, I was supposed to meet my friends for the launch and my shift. I ended up in the completely the wrong bit of Bristol on the pavement, a worried lady thought I was drunk or something and helped me find my friends and then right bit of bristol.

It slowely became apparent that I was having over load of some sort with all the lights in contrast to the dark nights, the more the contrast and the more flashy the worse it got. Just sitting in the carvery with my parents with multiple sets of christmas lights made my speech slur.

Damn concussion.

Then I went to see the star wars film - this was last year so it was the Rey film. We had free cinema tickets at the time. I didn't remember the last half of the film, so of course I went to see it again with my dad... there are flashy fight scenes. My dad was so worried about me, he said if he hadn't known about the concussion he would have thought I was having a stoke, my speech slurred, I was falling and stumbling as we left the cinema, crashing into people.

Now my dad is a skin flint with money, so I knew something was very wrong when I became aware that I was sitting in the posh coffee place in the Docks with posh coffee. It was the nearest place and he thought I needed to sit and rest.

Flash photography also, including at the comic book festivals cosplay, I have huge guilt over this event. My family where all in the crowd watching I'd managed to find someone to cover my stall so headed up to watch but could not get to them. I stood watching planning to take some photos but... but I started to feel weird and dizzy and realised I was getting over loaded so went to walk away. Coordinating walking was hard, my arms were pins and needles. I saw a young man/boy collapse into a fit and being first aid trained I instinctively went to help except I could not coordinate and kind of just collided with someone who asked me what the matter was, I tried to say the boy had collapsed but found even slurred speech was not happening I think I made some sort of noise.

They looked where I was looking and rushed over, there was lots of help now and I knew I was useless so I got to the hand rails and waited for the vertigo to pass. I then had to have a sneaky nap/eye close at my stall. I still feel so bad I didn't help.

Through out the year there have been other incidences including lasers light, airports and other parents thinking I was drunk at kids parties.

My left hand side doesn't work properly - Alaric says you can't see it until they do the cognative tests and then it becomes obvious I am putting so much extra effort into controlling my left side.

It mucked up my drawings prespective went out the window faces where distorted, drawing took an age.

Sustained concentration made my speech slur. But hey I wasn't sleeping all the time anymore.

Now obviously I've still managed to do stuff and physically I am as fit if not fitter than I have ever been. But numbers... I can't always do numbers and if I am not expecting to see people I don't recognise them, I even lost my friend in a cafe because she put her coat on so she didn't look the same as when we'd met up.

This is a scary position to be in as it means if someone realises this they could pretend to know me. I can't even find my own way to our allotment though I did manage to find the Drs so I should try finding the allotment again!

I'm on a new rest regime as basically my brain is still healing and can't cope with large sustained load, there are no information filters. So lights etc... are a tsumani which floods me.

The seizures are more likely to happen when I am tired and take 3 days to 2 weeks to get over though I'm sort of normal as soon as I've rested I'm just abit clumsy and mentally slow afterwards.

Sustained writing and reading are hard it's like all the coping mechanisms for the dyslexia and ADHD have vanished, the nurologist says this is because they take up more brain power and I just don't have the capacity for that at the moment. I still have voice to text but my god it's an editing mess!

As you can tell by the spat of long blog posts I am finding things alot easier with the rests in place but they do eat the day and any day that I go out is a struggle. The acting in the autumn was fine but lit. it was all I did those days and when I go and perform I have to ask for no flash photography and arties can't seem to help but take flash photography often because they are now drunk and can't remember what I said about it all :/

Also it means I am a pain as I have to ask the events organisers and venues to change the room lighting, I think this is going to plummet the amount of people who want to book me :'(

On the other hand I can now get up and down flights of stairs so all those little venues that where out with the pelvis issues are now accessible to me (if it's not one thing it's another - sigh).

It was this fear of ruining everything I'd built up which lead me to try and hide how hard things where being that and people kept saying things like "concussion only lasts a few days" and "use it or loose it" over brain function.

But I need to be honest because these are the new restraints I am working within and if I am to achieve all I can I need to be working with people who understand and want me still. The summers festivals were more than doable - yes I can't really stay once the light starts to fade so that is the same as when I had the fatigue and pelvic issues it just a different type of fatigue and issue.

And the fatigues are different which is bizar but they are.

Basically I can now get 2 hours of high brain function stuff done a day, this has to be broken up and is still not high high stuff like my maths SOBS. And I spark out into sleep which I awake from and then can do physical house and kid looking after stuff. What I had before was muscle fatigue and inability to sleep due to pain. It is a weird contrast especially as both are called fatigue.

On the plus side - this is all probably transient, in that as my brain rests it heals, the little connections re-grow and retrain and the over loads will hopefully stop and I can have my sparkly flashing lights back.

However there is a sad sad price I have had to pay for this. We were trying to adopt, know when Al attempted to contact the adoption people to explain the head bang when not long after it happened he found that we had dropped off their list and it was going to take ages and I was getting better and a good rate so we spoke to them and started the process again.

And had been moving forward with that and I was improving drastically through the summer, my time lines are a little muddled in that for me 2015 and 2016 are kind of the same year due to memory holes where I just seem to not have put any new memories down :/

So it all seemed fine but then the clocks changed and then nights got dark and the sun got low and flashy through the trees and... well I'm kind of count as a vulnerable adult and it's going to take a while to go away and we made a clanging error in judgement resulting in me having a kind of mini pre-seizure thing whilst out with Mary trying to get her to her Christmas play and the thought of if I'd had a little one with me too was not good. So we decided we'd need to put it all on hold after the last head injuries clinic. Plus it turned out they wanted us to start the process AGAIN!!! Including sending out the stupidly long ref. forms which one of our refs had already filled out twice. I am so sad if the origonal time line had happened I probably wouldn't have been late at the festival as there would have been a small person to look after obv. I might have slipped somewhere else and you know even if my parents had been baby siting them then it would just have been one of those things as they would have already been part of the family. When we thought it was all just going to take a couple of months to get better it was the right thing to continue but we have no idea of time scales at the moment and adopted kids tend to have settling in issues etc... and it just wouldn't be fair. So I am kind of angry at the adoption stuff for being ineffiencent and wasting their chance of finding a home for kids with us. But I also feel guilty because there have been house visits and training courses (we've done twice already as the process keeps changing to make it quicker :/) so I feel we've wasted time and money when all we wanted to do was help.

This is heart breaking for us, we wanted more kids, if/when I am better we can try again but I kind of fear they will be annoyed with us for dropping it this time 🙁 But in all seriousness it scared me going into the seizure stuff whilst out with Mary on my own, I was in the village so like we were bumping into lots of people we know but what if it had been elsewhere?

So yeah I hope we can still adopt or foster in future and I hope that the festivals and events still want to work with me and that I get my shiny lights back. If I don't then I plan to just make winter my creative time and hide in the house as I mostly did this year however that eats into pretty much one of my busiest work periods so is really really not ideal.

Also train travel etc... has been hard as I have to rely on the station staff telling me what train to get on and of course I look normal so sometimes they just fob me off. I was bad enough with trains before due to the dyslexia so if you've wondered why I've not been to see you this is one of the reasons and I am sorry I am not making all the parties and shows and things.

Yeah and shows and cinema, I still enjoy going but do have to spend time looking away and shielding my eyes and I know this is combined with then trying to wine and dine me with my stupid dietry requirements is not brilliant, so I understand if that is not what people want in an outing.

Which is why I am completely failing to organise anything for my birthday.

Park Run Issues (by sarah)

So a while ago now as in more than a year ago I went to the Ignite talks in Bath (part of a Tech festival I believe) to tell the world about why I designed Cuddly Science - the theme was Tech/Science for the wider good or something like that.

Whilst there we came across a group who had made a system for timing people and getting people to run and train and do exercise together. Without it costing the participants a butt load of money because that is a huge issue with exercise - I know when I was younger and even now I never really went to the gym or swimming that much because they cost money.

In fact one of the big draws of working at the campsite was that I got to use the climbing wall, lake, rifle and archery ranges for free after work (which was teaching those things except lake stuff due to pathetic swimming abilities). At uni I wanted to take part in loads of things but it was all too expensive and had a tendency to mount up cost wise but I did manage a bit of caving and Kung Fu.

My own struggle with wheelchairs and walking aids has shown how much of a difference having access to equipment can make not to mention people to encourage you and kind of group learning when you are doing things wrong as well.

Part of my miraculous recovery resulted from me having enough money to get a recumbent exercise bike with back rest and large wide padded seat - with a busted pelvis there was no way I could even get on a normal bike. But the bike, pool, chin up bar, pedometers etc still set me back hundreds of pounds because equipment is not cheap and needing what I did meant I couldn't just wait for free cycle and though social services where brilliant in providing me with bedsticks and aids to get in and out of baths etc... they could not provide what I needed for my physio. (to be fair I have bought all this stuff over like a decade but I did kind of need it in one hit and the thing is that because I was going to have to get a taxi or something to the gym in the first place the cost of gyms for a couple of months was enough to get the bike etc... and I can use it whilst the kids play at home etc...).

I digress some what - the point is there needs to be free stuff our health is kind of dependant on it. People need to climb, swim, run, we need a variety of stuff so those with various injuries or medical conditions which the longer you go in life is more likely to be you, can exercise.

This did not used to be such an issue but it is with modern lives and yes we could argue about that for a millenia and not change a single thing. Bikes are expensive, bikes get stolen or damaged but... there are great projects a foot to refurbish old bikes so they are accessible to everyone - fit free clean transport for the win (just please don't moan about me and my kids being in the cycle lane when the vegetation has grown over our pedestrian bit of path and hey they are scooters anyway! and never mind there is a mobility scooter coming and we all need to navigate the hideous junction with the lorries and more lanes than I can work out).

Back home in Essex and London there is gym equipment in the playgrounds or rather in the parks just outside the playgrounds - for grown ups to use! And people use them - for FREE (except you know they are paid for by taxes and that is the sort of thing I want my tax spent on!).

So bikes good, walks good (whilst we still have access and the national parks to walk in 🙁 ), and we have basically already lost swimming and climbing as free accessible things unless you are really lucky - but running and pull ups etc... there are games set up to help walkers and runners, Bristol even has a playable city!

And that brings us to the reason that I am writing this post - Bristol.

They want to charge the Park Run runner with path maintenance - something most of them will already be paying for in tax. They are saying they can't expect the non-runners to pay for it equally - erm... but community, society, COMMON SCENSE!

Because yes people cause erosion - big problem with some areas of outstanding natural beauty and so on but there is a lot of wear and tear from just WALKING, from dogs scratching, bikes biking, kids scooting... also are they planning on charging everyone to just run? Regardless of weather you are with the Park Run?

Charging for the free sports and exercise that will help people lead fitter and healthier lives - which will drastically reduce the cost on the nhs (injuries costs are minimal compared to long term chronic conditions which exercise can help control (if you can and have access to the exercise!)).

This is more than short sighted - looks like I am not the only one who thinks so.

The same park seems to charge for the football club to use it on Saturday mornings - is that normal practice?

Now obviously we are angry - mainly because as geeks neither of us has liked sport that much - that is because we perceived it as aggressive and bully-tastic - this changed with the Olympics where we got to see it more as striving for personal bests and being the best you can be - a world of self improvement.

We did not see the climbing and shooting as sport they were activities we liked - again that barrier came down. We were no longer doing those things because - money. We spend too much on the kids clubs and activities but that is because we have learnt that a) confidence is important and b) they are both girls related to me and yes they maybe lucky and take after Al but.... they need their core muscle strength and they need good metabolisms and they need strong lungs and hearts.

But we are paying alot for that and many don't have that (we don't really have that and rely on people giving classes or equipment instead of presents for the girls).

And the thing is it isn't just me - Alaric is actually the one who takes part in the park run as part of him sorting his body out - for years he had bad back pain but it got worse and worse - its siatica, he's lucky the Dr spotted the problem - we had to pay a physio to sort it as though it would have resulted in him needing a hip replacement in 2 yrs time the nhs could not pay for the preventative yanking the leg back out of its socket but they would pay for the hip replacement :/ So obv. he had loads of physio ad stuff to do afterwards - it's acting up again which is a bad sign but it is more than the 2 yrs on now - he is working on his general muscle tone and stuff.

He does Krav, that costs money... but he also does park run - he was running by himself but motivation is hard - but park run... that is different.

It's free, it's all together, it's mildly competitive but mainly supportive.

I was/am looking forward to running in it but am still struggling with getting round the block - but hey I am getting round the block and now mainly not weeing myself in the process (yes literally and yes probably TMI). We are planning on including the kids which is another thing taking kids to gyms doesn't work - it used to when I was a kid - I remember sitting at the edge of the gym whilst my dad and uncles weight trained but that doesn't happen anymore - so what do you do with the kids whilst you use the gym?!

So we plan to run as a family but that has to wait on Mary levelling up with Ballet as the times currently clash.

I hope Bristol does not set a trend - it would be a shame and a tragedy to loose something that is designed to help everybody.

(p.s. written whilst Jean was at her pre-school free running club which is fab but not sure how wide spread those are!)

Ok so I side tracked myself a lot but basically park runs make running and exercise accessible to everyone allowing a reduction in the impact poverty can have - it is a good thing why break it. (or course you also need access to tech so we need the libraries as well for people to get the full goodness of the thing and sadly also the foodbanks :(.) Also positive impact on health, attitudes.

Here is the petition.

2 Yrs (by sarah)

2 yrs ago I was drawing to the end of my PGCert in Science Communication - I had had a huge relapse of chronic fatigue, pain, my bleeding had grown heavier again (I had been bleeding since Mary's birth in 2011). I was starting to think it really was that I just couldn't take stress... my stomach was on the blink also and a new thing had started happening during the lecture clusters I attended.

So everytime I tried to go back to education or proper out of the house with people work I got sicker - a lot sicker obviously it was stress.

Plus the new thing - the new thing was migraines, I was getting headaches but not just headaches, as I stared at the various smart screens and projectors and especially if they room had flickering lights or they turned the damn things off all together I would get vertigo and weird colours arching through and around the lighted up screens.

Migraine with aurors - my blood pressure was up - not really very high but bar my labour with Jean my blood pressure has always been low. This was potentially an issue with the headaches, obv. it was because I was also fat. Well doh of course I was my arthritis was bad, my pelvis was bad, I was aneamic and worse I was eating 1600 cals on a day and still whopping on weight and I could tell that was getting worse - infact before I'd gone to the dr I had worked out my money and deciding I was really too ill to attempt the second year and wanting to take Cuddly Science further without the worry of academia I used my left over cash to by a recumbant exercise bike with padded broad seat and back and a £7 pedometer - the pedometer was inaccurate and infuriating and lasted about 3 days when I dropped it and it died.

Dr sent me to the diabetic-thyroid-dietician nurse and gave me pills (which do also help regulate thyroid though I think they were the second lot of tablets and they are for the headaches primarily). Due to blood clotting issues there was also the risk of strokes if things continued as they were.

This is where I discovered that my maintain calorie count is actually a depressing 1400 (thanks to being short and having a lighter "Asian" bone structure rather than the dense bones of "Europeans") and to make it worse I found that when I publically announced this people began messaging me to say it wasn't that bad - well it was it was FREAKING HELL! Because I wasn't on 1400 which to be frank I am always going to be hungry on even when it is whole foods, but I was on a strict cal count diet to attempt to shock my system into working again. 1000-1200 cals a day.

I was passing out, I was grumpy, I got bad breath and starvation headache (to go with the tension headache, sinus headaches and migraines I was already suffering from). One of the many emails I got was from a friend who had had similar issues to me with back pain and I knew she'd lost a lot of weight etc... I was skeptical, and I was very hacked off at people telling me what to do especially as they all had different advice (and yes I know you were all trying to help and you kind of did but I was still grumpy!). Anyway she said that her key had been to stop eating wheat... my sugar levels were erratic which is why I was passing out I spoke with the nurse and I decided to go back on what I term my "Mary Pregnancy" diet which is meant buy buy to bread and pasta and stuff and knowing from all the tests I had at Chelsea and Westminster back during my degree I knew I had a sensitivity to wheat which is why I wasn't supposed to have white bread - so maybe that had gotten worse.

I cut wheat out... I cut it out mainly because it was the easiest why to drop my cal count and still fill I was eating something - Mushroom as pizza base here I came... without the cheese boo (oh and soya was making the bleeding worse so that was out too plus my sensitivity to latex and chilli had gotten worse - so that was the allergies and the intollerances because you know I have to collect the whole set!).

Sugar levels were a bit more stable so I continued hobbling my way to the climbing wall with my walking stick for the girls clubs etc... which I couldn't do whilst passing out and I mean what was that from anyway? The aneamia? Sugar levels? Pick and choose - I thought I was screwed for life I thought I was on the walking stick if not crutches for ever.

Now I still walked alot with the stick, I was slow and shuffly and it wore me out and I almost cried when the Dr asked didn't I do anything more "energetic"? And my emotions got worse with the suggestion of swimming - I was bleeding heavily enough with failed attempt at coil and oral pill etc... that I was given the choice of having laser ablation or hysterectomy and I didn't want them but I was thinking about them seriously, so how could I swim? Please just believe me flow was too heavy.

I struggled my way through 50 cal burns on the exercise bike I was walking 10 k steps a day just doing like house work and kids clubs but that was it there was no energy for anything else.

I had a pull up bar put in the house - I couldn't even reach it but I was damn well going to try and reach it everyday.

So it was after the 2 or 3rd visit to the nurse that cut out the wheat and six weeks or so on from that when... I started getting better. It was early autumn I'd gotten the bike in May (so year approx two years ok!). It was warm and sunny and I was walking with Jean to her climbing and I suddenly thought hmmm I'm not really leaning on my stick that much today, so a walked abit without. Now with the pelvis and chronic fatigue etc... I sometimes had good spells anyway so didn't think that much about it but was kind of hoping I was going to be in remission for a bit.

People at the climbing wall started to say how I didn't look "bloated" anymore. And it was true my hard painfull stomach was not, it was still fat and blobberly but not in the same way.

The next walk in I started off not using my stick and got to the first corner, then the a bit further the next time, the stick is a folding one so I could take it with me just incase.

(p.s. I will confess I only got the swanky pedometer to prove to the dr that I was walking as far as I said I was because I knew with weight and stick it seemed unlikely and though not said I'm pretty sure she didn't believe me but with the app I had graphs!).

Anyway armed with extra information that my aunt and mother have celiacs disease and the fact that the nurse, dr... etc where kind of amazed at the improvement. They suggested that I may or may not have it but definatly I react to wheat, to be tested I'd have to go back on it for 6 weeks - that was not going to happen, we know from my record that I have an autoimmune system reaction to wheat and from my point of view it doesn't really matter the prescription food contains other foods I'm allergic and intollerant to and would be just for me and what ever it is it makes me sick.

Looks like it was my packed lunches and economy university cafe food that was making me sick - realised that when I am at home I eat very little bread and paster - enough to still be causing some problems but not enough to cause full out body-gemmon (remembering my body loves autoimmune diseases so as far as I can tell it needs any old excuse to eat itself).

My arthritis cleared up, my pelvis stopped shifting about, gut calmed down, the hernia and seperated muscles sorted themselves out. Then the bleeding stopped, I was loosing weight!

My cal count was getting upped.

About a year in and the bleeding stopped, my bloods for everything then came back normal a little while later. I started swimming. I could stand up and reach my pull up bar I kept trying to pull myself up - it wasn't working.

By January last year I was well enough to started climbing, me climbing with new purple climbing shoes - I could only manage 15 mins the first week but that soon increased. I was doing the digging at the allotment, trying to convince Al my back was good enough to carry and lift things - I planked!!!! I increased planking time to 1 min.

It was amazing (I'm trying not to use religous words here!). My other food intollerances got less sensitive - though the allergies seem slightly worse (boo so now no strawberries or bannanes). I had a few blips, times of feeling like flu, fearing I was just in a good patch in the chronic fatigue but then it turned out that some vinegar is made from wheat, some chocolate has malt extract in, barely, spelt and a swath of other things are just wheat in disguise, oh and my favourites... someone bought "gluten" bread in the house and toasted it in my toaster and no you can't use the knife from the other cake and fish/onion rings etc and the chips all fried together. Other thing that caught me out - glazes of some ham, some fizzy drinks have malt derived stuff :/

Pretty much every flare up I had we then found I'd consumed something with probably only trace amounts of wheat in :/ It's a pain feeding me now but the difference is amazing.

I got down to about 11 stone from almost 14 (with the uncontrolled gestational diabeties during Jean's pregnancy I had gone from about 8-9 stone to 16 stone by eating hospital food and then I really struggled to loose any of it in the following years but I did loose a couple of stone with Mary's pregnancy where I knew what I was doing with the diabeties and was in charge of my own food I put on 1 stone during the pregnancy and was 14 at the end of it. It was then going up and down depending on pain etc... issue being feed back loops and loading on seperated pelvises and insulin tollerance etc... I was very worried that I was failing to maintain my weight I had lost some and then got put on hormones to try and stop bleeding and on and on but I was off of those and had been for a while and my weight had still been going up... which is why I was releived when the Dr mentioned help with weight). Then cuts came in and my nice helpful nurse had her postition axed and went off to find a job in the private sector or Australia or as she put it "somewhere I am allowed to actually help people" - well she helped me but the next appointment I had was a nurse saying "I'm not qualified to deal with you, you no longer count as over weight enough even though you are not in your target weight, if you want monitoring go back to the Dr and get referred to the hospital but they wont have anyone qualified to deal with you either."

So that was that - and we bought a pair of scales for the house which Al guards so I can't check my weight all the time and he gives me rewards - I got down to 10 stone earning myself nail vanish and things...

We found Free From sections in supermarkets are huge now and calories still count.

The idea being 1400-1600 cals a day and the remaining weight lose through exercise. I got myself medals to attempt marathon type walks and planned to take up and kind of did take up running.

My skin conditions cleared up!!!!

I could raise my feet off the ground, not once but several times but only from one way round and I wanted to be able to do both types of pull up. I managed 150 cal burns easily on the bike.

Of course at the beginning of the summer (2015) I got a little carried away with this new found movement of body and was dancing my little cotton socks off with my 10 yr old at one of the festivals I work at. I was having a fab time, so was she we were waiting for a band I hadn't seen since I was like 17 doing Summer on the South Bank as part of the "youth" component. I felt weird and dizzy and couldn't regain my balance and fell over backwards off the grass onto the concrete.

And that was the headbang whilst headbanging and the not acting my age or knowing my limits. Scans and stuff showed sinus polyp growths from my food allergies and an ancient compacted vertibrea or something (they told me whilst concused but it's been like it so long it wont be causing problems - I assume it is from my bike accident as a teen or something). Sadly there is still on going stuff from that but functioning wise for kids and things I am still so much better than I was 2 yrs ago - more on that when I know more.

During the two months of main recovery I was eating when ever and numbers and memory where shot and I was asleep most of the time so calorie counting didn't happen. And even though I was eating ALOT when we did remember to weigh me I had lost weight taking me down to the 9 and a half stone - I vaguely started trying to do some exercise in the autumn but was restricted with what still hurt the head including the damn impact site.

There were more head issues around Christmas but I managed to start exercise again properly in the new year - mainly after the weigh in showed I'd put on 1/4 of a stone! Eeking me periously near that 10 stone mark once more.

This is actually an upbeat post honest!

So anyway I lost the 1/4 of a stone but am still stuck at 9 and 1/2, giving me a stone and a half to loose for target but weight was never really the focus - health was.

And I can now do 200-300 cal burns a sitting and try for 500 on the exercise bike, my body shape has changed itself around to adjust to the weight lose - belly is still a huge flap and as promised by the Dr is even flappier! But my bum is skinnier so I had to take the chocks off of my exercise bike as my legs are now apparently longer! I can manage 5 almost full pull ups one way and one the other, I can do a minute planks (still only 1 minute it was one of things I couldn't due after head bang as it made everything thud!) I don't wee myself as much when attempting to run (TMI?), I haven't made it back climbing but have been swimming - co-ordination simply was not good enough and part of the problem with the concussion is it's cumalative and this wasn't my first headbang by far so now I am trying to work out how to prevent future ones without stopping doing the stuff I love.

I kind of want a six pack - I've always wanted one but was actively disuaded from various exercises at school as they could apparently dislodge womb and overies - since been told by exercise experts that that is a load of bull and you know I may not have ended up with those seperated muscels in the first place if I'd done what I wanted! But anyway did I mention I was doing my weights again - I've had to go back to the very smallest and it is really the first time since having Mary and she's 5 now!

Oh year my RSI is a lot better too - I assume due to my body not being inflammed all the time.

Anyway I basically wanted to do a before and after pic but I never really wanted/want photos taken of me so I got Al to take the current photo of me in the star dress - kind of hoping I can trim those arms up a bit more and vanity does have me - I started the weights again as with the weight loss I did kind of have bingo wings!

The before pic is one Jean sneakily too of me on our way to or from the climbing wall - I am hunched over the stick attempting to put my bag back on my shoulder - I didn't know she'd taken it or it on my phone or I probably would have deleted it at the time.

So yeah - I thought the two photos highlighted more than the weight change!

Concussion (by alaric)

For all of the time I've known her, Sarah has been poorly. When we first met, she was being investigated for a bowel problem, and she also suffered shoulder pain from a bike accident when she was a teenager. When she was pregnant with our first child, she had an exciting array of complications, and took many years to recover from the experience; she had mobility issues and pain due to a separated pelvis, lacked energy, had reduced sensation in her legs, and so on. The second pregnancy was nowhere near as bad, but Sarah still bled for months afterwards due to problems with her womb lining.

However, some months ago, while trying to lose weight, she cut wheat from her diet; and a load of niggling health problems she had reduced significantly, while her energy levels rose. She suddenly found it easier to lose weight, and things were looking pretty rosy.

However, this meant that she wasn't certain of her limits any more. Last Sunday, she was dancing, and found that she could now dance hard, and didn't need to keep stopping and resting; until she was suddenly dizzy, and stumbled backwards off of the nice soft grass and onto a concrete path, where she fell over backwards and hit her head hard on the ground.

I didn't see it happen; I was looking the other way, but Jean called out to me, and I saw Sarah lying on her back. She was instantly surrounded by people, and a paramedic was at hand almost immediately, so other than providing my cloak as a blanket, my role was reduced to holding her hand and helping Jean to pack up our things so we could leave.

This led to a thrilling trip in an ambulance with her neck immobilised, and several hours in A&E being examined and X-rayed.

Thankfully, this revealed that she had no structural damage to her spine or skull, so she could be released from the collar and head restraints, and sent home.

Jean was a star throughout; she rode in the ambulance, with Sarah's glasses and phone and medication, while I followed in the car, and helped the ambulance staff by verifying the truth of questions they asked Sarah to check her memory function. She didn't panic, even though it was clearly stressful for her, and did all the right things.

On Monday, Sarah mainly slept. On Tuesday, my father and stepmother visited, and we had a day out; Sarah was still speaking slowly and having short-term memory problems (forgetting where she put things, mainly). But on Wednesday she was struggling, with her speech slurring and often struggling to remember words for things, so she spoke haltingly. So we took her back to A&E, where she was given a CT scan, which thankfully confirmed that she didn't have any bleeding inside her skull (which would have been bad news). So she was let out again, and told to come back if she wasn't better in another week and a half.

At the time of writing, a week after the accident, she still has difficulty concentrating for long conversations, and can't concentrate on reading or watching TV or anything like that for more than a few minutes at a time. If she tries, she starts to struggle to think clearly at all, and her speech worsens. I've not kept track, but she sleeps through the night and probably spends at least a quarter of the day napping, and has to restrict her waking hours to mentally non-taxing tasks. Loud noises cause her pain, and I've been having to work from home to keep an eye on her and to keep Mary from bothering her.

So, it looks like she has Post-concussion Syndrome; this means she may be better in a few weeks - or may well be like this for years. Apparently about one in ten people still have symptoms after a year.

Her personality is intact, and her memories all seem to still exist; she just has to take her time to find them, which makes conversation difficult at times. But she can't do any of the things she loves to do, because sustained concentration renders her zombie-like within minutes. Unless that clears up, her career in writing, crafts workshops, and science communication will be over. I feel reasonably confident I can leave her looking after herself at home now, but she won't cope on days when Mary is not at nursery, so if things don't improve my job may become awkward until Mary starts at school in September, too.

So, for the time being, all we can do is hope it gets better!

Exercise and the Failure to Diet (by sarah)

So today I take Jean swimming, today I go swimming for the first time without needing aid to get into the pool for a decade. Today I am fretting that without my glasses on I will not be able to keep track of my 9 yr old or that due to not having been swimming much I will have forgotten how to and I could only just barely swim as it was.

Today I stand here with two swimming costumes, my new one black and multicoloured and my old one - black and white. One is really too big for me and one is really a little too snug and just fit last week and I've had a pigging out birthday weekend so my stomach is not wanting to be compressed.

I am fretting that one will slip off and the other will leave back dugs - or folds of skin, I am fretting that before Alaric has always been there and now I wont be the obvious wife and mother but just me and I do not look young and beautiful. At the same time I worry because I put the swim suit on and I feel naked and exposed and I'll be in public. I have some pit stubble and some leg hair and I don't want to use my energy in dealing with them as that may result in no swimming. I am only an ok size if I hold my stomach in and it hurts today.

I have the scar on my knee from the 10 yr old biking me and scars from caving mucking up my shin and the varicous vein sticking out and ugly on my thigh, cellulite bobbling and I'll admit I don't look that different to me as a teen and I felt all of this then as I panicked over day glow bikini or my turquoise swim suit.

And I just want to hide but Jean... Jean is growing up and wants to swim, I can take her now - for the first time since being a mum I myself by myself can take her. She is already self concous and worried about her body and I don't know if confiding in her or hiding it from her is best.

Bingo bango bong - it's time talk about my diet and expectations. People think the diet is about weight loss but it's not I've also felt fat, it doesn't matter what size I am I look in the mirror and see the same sized person. For a little back ground on that - this has been the case when I was size 8 to being in the last trimester of pregnancy at a whopping 16 stone. One of the swim suits is an 18 and the others a 10 - to look at they don't seem that different.

My diet has been driven by medical stuff and the want to feel better - of course I want to look better but I resigned myself to being not normal aesthetics a long time ago. This is part of the panic before I go out.

My hair is big, it is frizz, it is curl, my skin is blotchy and changes colour and I have scars and now stretch marks. I have an enormous bottom - always have had, it sticks out and is wide. It's just the way I am.

I like weird clothing but I know from having tried that I still stick out even in normal clothing so I might as well wear what I want.

Recently the diet has kind of failed, I have reverted to the 1600 cals a day and I no longer have a nurse to talk to about this. However, I am now a quantified self and have been monitoring things - not weight Alaric deals with that as I don't really want to know. But I do know that my weight has plateud, which is amazing as I keep eating 200 cals more than my maintain intake. The maintain is what you can eat without putting weight on but you wont loose weight on it either.

And the strange thing is that everyone is now commenting on the weight loss but I am no longer loosing it - what is happening however is that I am going down dress sizes. I am physically becoming smaller or more compact as I exercise.

For me it is strange how the focus is on the weight loss, I assume this is because it is the most easily quantifiable thing?

On the other hand my pedometer game is going really well and today I won a pink lemur, the more exercise I do the more in game energy I have to make plants grown and to build buildings with. I still have huge areas to unlock on my maps and it is my main motivator - except now the headaches are under control and the pelvis is behaving and the bleeding has stopped I am enjoying the exercise - but I wasn't before not why that was all going on - I was just doing it when I could for fear of being unfit/fat except there was no way I could do enough.

I mention this as there are people out there who keep trying to use me as a gauge for themselves - you can't. I couldn't even use myself as a gauge six months ago. Each person has to find out what works themselves and sadly my journey has been made a lot more doable by money. Yes you can exercise cheaply - ie running but without proper shoes you risk shin splints, without the pedometers motivations to actually do a run can be low.

Gyms cost money and adults on the kids climbing frames at the park can end up in the police being called. Swimming costs money, dance, climbing, yoga cost money. Youtube vids are free but can take alot of sorting and again motivation.

I like my allotment and it is exercise but... it cost money and it's not even a council one as I've now been on the waiting list for one of them for 3 yrs! They do not have enough allotments >:( Everyone should have access to an allotment >:(

This post initially was supposed to be about the emphasises being on health and not actual weight loss and how size and weight are a loose corralation and not absolute. But it was high jacked by my nerves about swimming and self identity and stuff.

I have everything packed and ready and I know Jean is uber excited - I've gone with the larger swim suit with the idea that a boob popping out maybe is preferable to being uncomftable and not being able to swim. Only time will tell if I can remember how to actually swim and for that matter get out of the pool by myself at the end of the session.