A Depressing Outcome (by sarah)
I went to the drs yesturday to get the results of my blood test - they decided not to run them as apparently I've had them done in the last year - don't know when :/ maybe at the hospital. And becuase there was no need as I'm depressed according to the questionaire.
Now one of the heavey scorers on there is sleep problems and tiredness - well yes - thats the problem I am tired all the time :/
Another was feeling like your failing - erm well I am failing at stuff aren't I becuase I'm sick and tired all the time.
And yes I probably am depressed - the dr said its Life Situation depression which can't be solved with drugs and that I have been under too much stress and things for the last few years.
He said it was only a matter of time before I broke - I've got two chronic conditions - chronic pain and IBS both of which have depression as 'side effects' (along with chronic fatigue). And then there are the stomach ulcers.
I still haven't gotten around to telling him about the pins and needles and had to sort of force the issue that the brown blotches on my skin are getting worse not better. I have yet another cream for them a topical steroid - anti-inflamitory and anti-fungal called Daktacort hydrocortisone cream. So I am hoping that will get rid of it - as its even on my neck now and I'm petrified it will get onto my face.
The Dr also can not back date the note for college to when I started to feel really bad - ie just before the suspected shingles rash appeared as... I didn't go to the Drs with it! But I did - I went to the Drs and had a prescription - but its not there in my notes - only the impetigo which was mild - but I actaully went to the drs that time becuase I couldn't open or close my mouth due to a swollen gland in me neck and the skin issue was an aside.
I've been going to the drs on and off for months now feeling feeling bad and its not there in the notes! This is when I start to feel I'm imagining it all.
Imagining the pain thats crippling me - pain management people never sorted out the stuff they said they would. Imagining the pins and needles and the amount I'm falling over, to tiredness - the fact that one of my back muscles has been in spasm for two years (what the physios tell me never corrosponds with what the Dr then tells me).
The way I feel at the moment is that I didn't need to go into hospital for the diarreia stuff and that my course has been screwed up for no reason what so ever now - if its only depression then why couldn't I go and do my presingtation?
I actually feel far more what I think of as depressed since seeing the dr - I feel I've just screwed everything up for no reason now and I'm in so much pain and so tired all the time and have an upset tummy all the time. I now feel like a complete flake and that everything I do is tainted - but wasn't feeling like this until he said I was depressed which is in its self stupid.
I feel like a complete and utter failure.
So yeah I suppose that means I'm depressed - I'm signed off for a month and have to see him agian in three weeks time to assess things - he suggested I think hard about taking on the potential client I also saw yesturday and about college. He did say i could have a cover letter thing for college but I would have to pay so he suggested I see if they will pay for it.
I'm feeling like the rugs been pulled out from under me.
The other thing is they say there's no sign of inflamation - so why do my joints hurt? None of it makes any sense. I wish they hadn't lost my notes from before I moved here - all the stuff for the pain clinic - all the tests I went through and some of them where quiet painfull.
Last time I asked about this they said I'd been coping so long with it that there was no point in doing anything other than pain management. So I'm left wondering is there really nothing that can be done - am I really going to feel like this for the rest of my life?
Becuase if that's the case how can you actually be anything other than depressed? Especially as the back stuff gets worse with time and I have to be so careful. I don't want to end up being scared of going out -I saw the state of some of the older people on my pain management course and I don't want to end up like that.
To be fair he did ask me what diagnosis I wanted and I said I didn't care as long as it was something that could be sorted and thats true - I just want to be able to do stuff again.
Fri 22nd May 2009 10:32 am 
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By Simon Austen, Fri 22nd May 2009 @ 12:45 pm
Hi Sarah,
I just wanted to ask - is your doctor one of these swines who won't admit that fibromyalgia is a real disease? Your symptoms are literally identical to my Mum's - chronic joint and back pain, IBS, depression, sleep problems, and she has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Check out the wikipedia page 🙂
First thing to do is ask your doctor for Lyrica (Pregabalin) - it specifically treats neuropathic pain, unlike the opioids and NSAIDS you have no doubt been prescribed. As regards the IMS, my mum's had some success moderating it with diet - have you tried going lactose free for a while? Also there's a herbal supplement called Iberogast which has helped my mum.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I understand what you're going through as I've seen how awful these symptoms can make your quality of life 🙁
Call me if you need a sympathetic ear
Si x
By sarah, Fri 22nd May 2009 @ 2:34 pm
Thanks Simon - no one medical has mentioned this too me at all but you are the third person who has mentioned this too me from reading the blog.
I've edited your comment to remove your phone number as I assumed you didn't really want that in the public domain 🙂
I try to avoid moo cow milk and its products as that makes me sick definatly.
By Simon Austen, Fri 22nd May 2009 @ 6:50 pm
Meh, I'm in the phonebook 😉
By alaric, Fri 22nd May 2009 @ 8:46 pm
Aw, babe, stop being hard on yourself...
For whatever reason, you have what you have in life; and the best you can do is (by definition) to make the best of it. And appearances can be deceptive; the people who seem to have everything are surprisingly little happier than the people who seem to have nothing. Even the most charmed life becomes routine.
Don't worry about what you should be able to do. Don't worry about whether or not you achieve more or less than a "normal person". Why do those things matter?
Look at what you have in life; look at what you want in life; and figure out how to get the best of what you want, given what you have. If there's anything you want that you just can't manage to get, then leave it, because you'll get a chance one day; things become more accessible, our situation improves, etc.
We have our lives ahead of us, and the most important thing is to make the best of them, rather than sitting worrying about whether we're making the best of them...
The NHS is far from perfect, it's true - it's worth pursuing the fibromyalgia thing, and the way those blood tests were handled sucked, but we seem to be a lot better looked after here than we were in London. And don't feel that you're being sidelined with a diagnosis of depression. I think that life stress is certainly a problem for you; I suspect it's not the only problem, but getting rid of it will certainly help, and will make it easier to see what else is wrong (other than the back/IBS stuff we already know about!)
Don't feel that depression means "it's all in your head, you're just being lame and pathetic and anybody else would just get on with it; nothing's really wrong". Yes, depression is "in one's head", but so is a brain tumour. Why should psychological problems be treated any differently from physical? For a start, there isn't a definite line between them - many kinds of depression show up in brain function scans, distinctly from normal activity found in people who are simply temporarily unhappy. If that difference in brain function is the result of a genetic problem with neural function, a developmental function caused by exposure to toxins as a child, psychological trauma that has unbalanced hormone levels so much that they have not stabilised again, or more subtle properties of the brain - what's the difference?
What matters is that something - caused by some combination of environmental and genetic factors - is wrong that is making you suffer; and so the best thing to do is to try and (in order of decreasing importance) stop it getting worse, make the best of your life in spite of it, and then fix it.
I'm pretty sure you've been overdoing it lately; you gave up most of the things that made a nice, healthy, routine in your life to go and do the course. I think you're a lot happier with less deadlines; this makes sense, as people with chronic conditions will always have unpredictable performance on any given day, so forcing them to work at other than their own pace will just lead to them getting stressed. We're already having ideas about kinds of work you can do that will make the best of your skills at your own pace, bringing you money and self-fulfilment; so take the doctor's advice, take it easy for a month, then slowly start to experiment with some of it, alternating working on craft projects, writing, reading, and so on as your body lets you, rather than trying to force it. Earning money will make you feel better about yourself, will help reduce the financial stress in our lives, and (in the longer term) will mean I don't need to spend so much time working - so I'll be able to spend more time with you and Jean, or improving our lives in other ways by working on the house, keeping on top of housework, and working with you on case mods and writing projects!
When our debts are paid off and we have savings again, and you are healthier and happier from having led a more balanced life on your own terms, we'll be able to spend more and more of our time on cool projects that may or may not earn us money (but it'll be fun finding out), and have ducks and goats and bees and more children and everything we dream of...