Strange Reaction (by sarah)
I choose to writ this down even though I said I wouldnt writ raw emotions again after the disastorous post I made approximatly this time last year. I'm posting this becuase I know most of my friends and family read it and they need to understand how I'm handling things at the moment - but there is no way I could communicate properlly verbally about these things.
I'm not entirely sure how I am reacting to things - when Amber died (a friend from sixth form) I cried and cried and drew her pictures and wrote to her perants. The pain is sometimes still so keen within me, but that was five yrs ago now (I think never good with dates). But I havent cried for my friend yet - I am crying at every thing else though - the beginning of the film Narnia for example.
I refused to believe the news - I convinced myself that it was going to be some nasty, stupid hoax, but its not. I feel that I was not a good friend and that I do not deserve to feel this bad and then feel guilty for turning his death into a drama for myself. I dont know what to say to those who were very close to him - I am worried for them and want to 'mother' them but dare not actually try and initiate proper contact.
Ella and Tish have helped me and I thank them even if I wasnt focused or very coherant on the phone to them.
I have another issue and this one concerns me highly - I have no idea how those affected will react to this and have debated how to talk about and cant - I am ANGRY - yes I am angry and I seem to not be able to get passed this emotion. I am annoyed that he has done this - annoyed that I hear the pain and anguish in my friends voices. Annoyed that he has put people in this position.
But I shouldnt be... He was obviously not happy and I shouldnt be judging him - so why cant I rid myself of the notion of a selfish act? Why cant I morn properlly? Why do I even deserve to morn?
I am aware of just what a bad friend I am - I am hopeless at keeping in contact with people - I loose phone number and addresses or find them when they are out of date - I rely on friends telling other friends whats happening etc... I have been particually bad for the last two yrs - having spoken to people I realise just how much I have missed of everybodies lives. I almost laughed whilst in this frame of mind - fearing that I had lost many more friends and didnt even know cos I had lost the contact detials when a phone call on my ever temperamental mobile prooved to be a friend I thought I'd lost - not spoken to since befor Jeans birth - firstly she asked why I had dissapeared on her - then told me off about having my phone switched off for three months when she'd had no other contact detials for me - she'd been trying the phone periodically on the off chance that it was still mine but it was always turned off for like a yr - she is a good friend. It just struck a cord that I'd been freting over this very thing I selfishly thought - I lost one but another has found me and then realised that this was a stupid thought.
I am babbling I know.
The intensity I feel for my friends who have died is different - Amber wanted to live, wanted a family, was clinging on and we all thought she was better where as this isnt the case this time - it is an equal shock but I dont knwo how to feel. To her death I attached a Tori Amois song, I think its called Mother. I listern and listerned to it - I dont think it had any real relavence but something about the song connected to the way I felt. This has happened again - this time its the Pink Floyed song about being comftably numb - I dont know what its called.
I hope I havent upset anyone by posting this - I dont really feel I have a write to morn these friends as others knew them better than I and they are not family but I cant help the way I feel.
Sun 29th Oct 2006 10:43 pm 
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By becca, Mon 30th Oct 2006 @ 12:06 am
Firstly Sarah i offer my condolences to you - the news has obviously upset you. I know how upset you were when Amber had died...you went really quiet and lost your "spym sparkle"...though you were probably more prepared for it happening (because of her circumstances). The loss of this friend is more sudden so more of a shock. Its not easy when a friend attempts to or actually takes their life because you obviously question whether there was anything you could have said or done to help them work through their problems/situation that was making them so unhappy. Although there are those out there that don't ever want anyones help - and there is nothing that you can do for them. You shouldn't feel guilty about not keeping in contact with people - as ppl should make the effort to stay in contact with you too! The problem is that as we get older we get trapped into everyday life, work, home decorating etc and friendships drift. But with the good friends even though you see them a couple of times a year you know that nothing changes 🙂
P.S. i wouldn't hold back comforting those who were close to this person...as i am sure that they would have a similar reaction to the news as you. As far as being annoyed and angry at him - i empathise, as someone taking their own life seems like a selfish act - that no regard was given to those left behind that care/love the person. Speaking from my own experiences - when you are in that place you honestly don't believe that anyone cares and for some reason it seems like the only solution with a guarenteed and known outcome. I can't really explain it - but its almost like a comfort.
You don't have to keep this comment uploaded on the blog if you don't want to. I just wanted to offer my thoughts and condolences to you.
Becxx
By alaric, Mon 30th Oct 2006 @ 9:57 am
Love, stop doubting whether you are 'right' to feel things or whether you 'have a right' to feel things - as I keep telling you, there's no big book of rules saying who's allowed to feel what when and specifying punishments for those who feel the wrong things at the wrong times 🙂
Your feelings are yours.
By Ella Gale, Thu 2nd Nov 2006 @ 8:55 am
"It's a foolsih thing to be angry, When you have no-one to direct it at, No one who would care. You can aim at the universe, Or society, But what would be the point They will not answer Take the blame Or change. You can not attack the unseen What would that accomplish?
The only thin you can do Is to acknowledge that the decision was his And respecting him You must respect his decision.
But what to do with this anger?"
That's what I feel anyway, but alaric is right, your feelings are yours and they are allowed.
By Lionel, Mon 6th Nov 2006 @ 10:20 am
Dear Sarah. When someone takes their own life, it is itself an act of anger - in my experience.
They may convince themselves that it is an act of sorrow and low self esteem, but in such a depressed state one might fade away from self neglect, but the energy is normally too low to do anything as active as taking one's life. So there normally has to be anger there too - it is an act of rage. Not necessarily a directed rage (like "I'll die then sarah will be sorry..." but more like the scream of rage at life and everything, an unfocused hitting out and hating all that is around. The scream of a thrashing baby.
So it is utterly natural to react to anger with anger.
I write this as I feel for you - that does not guaratee that what i write is appropriate. If it misses the mark, forgive me and let it pass by.
Lots of Love from Lionel
By Charlee, Tue 14th Nov 2006 @ 9:59 am
My turn... BIG HUGS